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40 Things you would like to say at work August 29, 2004

Posted by rjdohnert in Software reviews.


1. I can see your point, but I still think you’re full of shit.
2. I don’t know what your problem is, but I’ll bet it’s hard to pronounce.
3. How about never? Is never good for you?
4. I see you’ve set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
5. I’m really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.
6. I’ll try being nicer if you’ll try being smarter.
7. I’m out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
8. I don’t work here. I’m a consultant.
9. It sounds like English, but I can’t understand a damn word you’re saying.
10. Ahhhh .. I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again.
11. I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid.
12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
13. I have plenty of talent and vision; I just don’t give a damn.
14. I’m already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
16. Thank you. We’re all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
17. The fact that no one understands you doesn’t mean you’re an artist.
18. Any connections between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks?!
20. I’m not being rude. You’re just insignificant.
21. It’s a thankless job, but I’ve got a lot of Karma to burn off
22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
23. And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be?
24. Do I look like a people person?
25. This isn’t an office. It’s Hell with fluorescent lighting.
26. I started out with nothing and I still have most of it left.
27. Sarcasm is just one service we offer.
28. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
29. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
30. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
31. I’m trying to imagine you with a personality.
32. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
33. Can I trade this job for what’s behind door #1?
34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
35. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
36. Chaos, panic and disorder…my work here is done.
37. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
38. I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted a salary.
39. Who lit the fuse on your tampon?
40. Oh, I get it…like humor…but different.

Thanks Darci



1. Boobyanna - December 30, 2006

I like it but nothing new that I haven’t read elsewhere!

2. Fraser - January 4, 2007

I like it! Like the stun gun, thats great.

3. Geneva - January 29, 2007

I have a flip-book style sign in my office that has all of these on plaquards.

He ripped these off.

4. littlemama - January 29, 2007

not really that funny….

5. Tem - January 29, 2007

Boy, must have taken you forever, going through all those back-issues of
Dilbert and copying all those punchlines…

6. screaminglunatic - January 29, 2007

“You’re NOT my superior…….you’re ,my boss. Try not to confuse the two”

7. Margaret Whiteside - January 29, 2007

I have said some of these at work. I do not mince words with anyone, not even my (?) boss.

8. shahi - January 30, 2007

keep up your good deeds!

9. terry - February 26, 2007

That’s a great idea! Let’s just try it with a little less you, and a little more not you.

10. nick - March 15, 2007

I saw at least one copied from maddox.xmission.com

I don’t remember the article but I remember the quote.

Failure of a list.

11. confessing girl - March 18, 2007

i like it , im thinking about using some of them at work too!!!


12. Kunita - March 19, 2007

Yep, I’ve read some elsewhere, but still pretty funny. thanx for giving me more ammo to spew at the dumbasses that surround me

13. hardcorecrusader - April 21, 2007

Did you get any of these off of those dumbass t-shirts that they sell at Hot Topic? I think you did…

14. Tanzatican - April 23, 2007

Wow, some of these commenters are real assholes. It’s not like the guy is saying he invented these…he just wanted to share them. So yeah, lets all jump his case and be sure to call him a thief, too. Pricks.

15. Merengue - May 1, 2007

Thank you Tanzatican, for saying what all of us who were blessed with a brain was thinking.

Fun list indeed 🙂

16. Cale - May 8, 2007

…for saying what all of us who were blessed with a brain WERE thinking.

The verb “BE” is conjugated to reflect the subject of the sentence, “ALL”.

On behalf of all of us who really were blessed with a brain, I would like to ask you to stop trying to convince people that you are one of us.

If anybody else is confused about how to conjugate the verb “be”, here’s a URL you can go to.

Finally, this list is awful. If you can’t say those things aloud at work, you’re a pushover.

17. Benoit - May 9, 2007

Cale: deal. Perhaps we don’t all speak impeccable English. Perhaps we’re not all perfect americans like you. (I’m sorry, do you understand it spelled that way, or should I capitalize it for you?) Maybe we’re not all as good as you. Maybe – just maybe – we’re also all pushovers. Ya. Stop looking. That must be it.

Now how about you stop sharing how much better you are than all of us to the world, because (and here’s a secret:) no one cares. Personally, I was born to have a good time. I got a laugh out of this list, and so did others. Maybe, just maybe… that makes it worth it.

No one laughed at what you wrote.

…So thanks for making us better people today. Tomorrow how about you act a little less like that guy on sesame street who lives in a trash can? And then maybe we wont consider you to be the exact type of person this list was devised against. (Can you devise AGAINST something? Shoot. I’m having issues with my vocab, here, man. Gimme a hand, won’t you?)

PS – Try including that URL next time.

18. drew - May 10, 2007

thats right benoit u tell that poop head lol i just said poop head did u hear me POOP HEAD OMG thats so funny

19. amazingperson - May 11, 2007

god u guys r fighting over the most retarted subjects

20. amazingperson - May 11, 2007

god u guys r fighting over the most retarted things

21. Benoit - May 11, 2007

Fight me.

22. Dave - July 9, 2007

If only I could get away with saying what I think without being fired.

23. izzy - August 17, 2007

Saw this list posted in a print shop’s back office and googled it and here it is!

You’ve made my day!


24. Brendan - October 31, 2007

I like it! Everything else I wish I could say in work I let loose on http://www.todayinwork.com

25. Elyse - November 15, 2007

Yeah…you guys are such meansters. The blogger never said that he/she authored these…they’re just a collection. I found it amusing. I might copy and paste a list such as this in my blog if I found it amusing and wanted to share it. So there!

26. Lary Crews - November 17, 2007

Geez folks.
Lighten up.

As the origional author of all of these, I am flattered when people reproduce my humor elsewhere.
Feel free to copy my work at will. Seriously.

Lary Crews
Institute For Corporate Productivity Seattle & St Petersburg

27. Free Useful Stuff » 40 Things you would like to say at work The Tech Journal - April 5, 2008

[…] Dig deeper into the topic here […]

28. DaMan Conners - July 8, 2008

Oh boy, i would like to say all these things while im at work. I hate talking to co-workers about the wheather or politics. I HATE GOLF! lol this humor is what makes my day easier! Thanks for the great laugh.

29. Diane - July 16, 2008

This was a fun read! After reading some of those snotty comments, I’d like to say a few things to those individuals who felt the need to be so hateful – when someone tries to give us a few laughs, they don’t need to be put down as to where they sourced the material!

Picking about using the right word – get off your nasty horse.

If you can’t say something nice, ‘move on’ and keep your crappy words and critique to yourself.

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